Uncertainty and a state of limbo

Have you ever felt like you didn’t quite know where you belonged? Due to a number of circumstances that have taken place in my life over the last couple of years, including a few fairly major injuries that are persisting much longer than I had ever anticipated, I am feeling like I’m at a bit of a crossroads right now. There is so much uncertainty and I feel lost.

A couple of days ago, I was thinking about my twitter profile. At the time I wrote it, I was dancing in several different competitive and performance groups and part of how. I saw myself was as a dancer. Maybe I wasn’t professional, and I’m not exactly what one would think of when they thought “dancer” but I was. Due to some things that are completely beyond my control, I haven’t been dancing this year. I’m heartbroken about it and I miss it terribly. I know that missing an entire dance year is going to set back all of the progress that I worked so very hard for last year and I don’t know if I am going to be able to get that back. So much of what I did revolved around my dance life – I had classes 3 or 4 days a week and when I hasn’t dancing I was practicing, or running choreography in my head or working on my flexibility to get better.

Now that I don’t have that, I feel like a part of me is missing. I have no outside sports or hobbies right now. My guys do martial arts and I often come along and watch their classes. Inside, though, it hurts to watch them. I want to be down on the mats training with them. I know that Q wants more than anything for me to do it with them, and I wish so much I could grant him that wish.

When I I injured my hand and was not able to do pole or aerials anymore, I turned to dance, but without dance? I don’t know what I am anymore. Once I started dancing again, I had felt that I was finally home again after a very long trip away, but I feel like that home has picked up and gone, and there is nothing I can do to bring it back. I do know, though, that it is a very lonely place to be.

I pondered changing my twitter bio and when I mentioned it, a couple of wise friends told me that I *am* a dancer, and the fact that I cannot do it right now doesn’t make me any less of one. In my head I get that, but my heart says something else. Life moves on and I haven’t heard from any of my dance girls in months, and most not at all. I’m no longer a part of the world, and it is very much a case of out of sight out of mind. I understand, but I will be honest with you, it hurts.

So while I am living in this state of limbo, I need to look within myself to find what and who I really am. My injuries do not define me, but they do play a part in the breaking down that is in progress. I feel like I am searching for something, but I don’t know what that is, and if you’ve ever looked and looked and after a while, realized that you had no idea what it was that you were looking for when you started, that is about where I am about now.

I feel like something is there, just waiting for me to realize it, but I don’t know what it is and I want to. I feel like I’ve been patient enough. I don’t like feeling lost and out of control. How do you find new things and new people when you were happy with the ones you had before?

How do you deal when you feel like you are lost? I’d love some tips or ideas on how to move past this hump.

Comments

  1. says

    I think acknowledging your loss and being with the feeling of loss is the all important first step. I have a longstanding and chronic neck injury that makes everything painful and has meant it’s doubtful I’ll ever be able to backpack (as in overnights) again. I still dream about it, but I have to readjust. Such is life.

    • Brandee says

      I am so sorry to hear about your neck injury. This chronic pain thing sucks monkeys in my not so humble opinion. I hope that you have been able to find other things that make you happy and bring enjoyment to your life despite the injury. 🙂

  2. says

    Oh I’m sorry for the lost feeling. I kind of know what you mean. The past few months I haven’t been able to do the things I want to do as much as I want to, and it’s frustrating and leaves me sad and just staring blankly at the wall a lot.

    I found it helpful to write down what I wanted to be able to do and what I might do instead. “I can’t x but I can y” I can’t run four times a week but I can take a walk every day. I can’t write an hour or more of fiction every morning but I can keep a journal. Like that. And no, the things I’m doing instead AREn’t as good as what I want to be doing. But it helps you keep your foot in the door to that room where your dreams are. Even if the door is open just a crack…even if it’s not open at all! you know what’s on the other side of it.

    (and, not that you asked for suggestions, but — tai chi? It’s gentle..choreographed, sorta…meditative — I’m not sure what your physical limitations are so this is just a random suggestion)

    • Brandee says

      Thanks Clara. I’m sorry that you aren’t able to do all the things you want to do either. It’s tough and that feeling of being lost is so frustrating. I like you idea of writing down what you can do. I think I’m going to try that. And I love random suggstions, so thanks. If you think of any more, please feel free to send them my way. My Dad used to do Tai Chi and loved it. I will have to look into whether it is something that I could do right now. It’s always sounded intriguing, so maybe now is the time. 🙂

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